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Writer's pictureJ. Joseph

The Feel of the Space Around Me

Sleeping has only gotten harder in these last couple months. I’m not one hundred percent sure why, but I think I came down with something. I feel hypersensitive, like how people talk about being able to feel the air or whatever. It’s not quite that. I can feel everything. It’s why I moved most of my stuff outside my room, into the living room of our apartment or the closet. I hoped that fewer things would mean feeling less. It doesn’t. It just means feeling fewer things. Lying in the darkness, hoping to get some semblance of a night’s sleep before my presentation tomorrow, I instead find my mind feeling the grooves in the ceiling tiles, the slight irregularities in the paint on the wall where the painter probably lingered just a little too long so long long ago, the slight divots in the flooring below the carpet causing the carpet to collapse in an extremely localized area on the slightest touch. I feel it all. Simultaneously.

See, I thought I was blessed. A couple months ago, I got very lucky. And ever since then, I feel like my body, my senses, are like some kind of a liquid or a gas or something like that. See, they’ve gotten into the habit of expanding to fit the space. And, to be fair, I can do some truly fantastical things because of it. Or related to it at least. But I still haven’t been able to get used to it in particular moments. Thank goodness I’m already in off-campus housing. Dealing with everyday dorm room shit would probably be a bit traumatizing, if just what walking through that frat party a few weeks ago was any indication. But, instead, I just get to deal with the distractions of everything keeping me from sleeping. Sleeping too much, anyways. Because, much like when one sleeps in a robe and under thick blankets, it’s not so consistently felt. I mean, the body or whatever is always feeling it, but the brain only registers it at seemingly random times. And since I never remember any of my dreams, if I dream at all, nights end up all the same. I turn off the light around midnight. And two to three hours later, after much rolling and shifting around in my sheets, my seven am alarm goes off. Well, technically six fifty-five, but I snooze that once in my wakefulness process.

My phone vibrating on the other side of the room feels odd. Startles me awake so I actually slept today, at least right before my alarm. That’s good. I snooze the alarm quickly as I slowly sit up in my bed, bleary-eyed. Right. Presentation today in about an hour. Need coffee. Need to look professional. I open the closet. A sudden rush of sensations as my closet, filled with clothes, my desk and computer shit, my notes and random papers from my classes. I feel them all. Professional means I should throw on a button down, right? Feeling across the hanging shirts for one that is a nice, comfortable material, I find a good cotton shirt. I pull it out of the closet as I stand up from my bed. It’s white. Good enough for me. Hopefully it’s not hot out, I don’t want to deal with sweat stains. Other than that, it’ll look good. As I’m sliding into the shirt, once more my phone begins to buzz. I pull it to me and shut off the alarm. Looking professional, I should be good with jeans, as long as I throw a jacket on. Otherwise I need to find my slacks. I check the temperature. It’s not hot, but definitely warmer than I’d like for me wearing a cotton shirt and a jacket. I briefly pull everything out of my closet holding the desk and boxes in the air as I enter. It’s been a bit since I’ve had to wear slacks, which means it’s probably somewhere weird. I begin moving things around with my hands trying to find my pants, hoping no one wanders in.

I do manage to find the pants in a drawer. Which means I’ll need to steam the wrinkles out. Throwing the pants over my shoulder, I leave the closet before returning all the random shit back into it. I close the closet behind me and once more my sensations simplify as I no longer feel each individual sheet of paper in those boxes of notes and tests. Still in my underwear and not functional enough yet to care, I head out of my room to make the coffee and steam my pants. As I open the door, the hallway and some elements of the living room rush at me. I take a deep breath, letting the tide of feeling hit me. I step through and close off my room.

No one is in the living room or kitchen areas. That’s good. Means two things: one, Will’s party thing ended at a reasonable enough time for people to not pass out on our floor or couch like last time; and two, I don’t need to worry about people noticing things they shouldn’t. I walk over to our steamer, well technically Will’s steamer that he kindly put in the main area’s closet for both of us to use. As I walk, I pull open the kitchen cabinet where I keep our coffee. Well, my coffee that I let Will and his guests use too. Hanging my pants up on the steamer, I pull out a filter and the bag of coffee grounds. I kneel down to check the water level in the steamer’s bottle. Not great. Enough that I should be able to steam my pants, but it’ll basically be empty after I do. Putting the filter and grounds in the coffee maker, I pull the bottle out of the steamer carefully. I mean, I’m going to need to fill the maker’s basin anyways for the coffee, might as well just keep the sink running to fill this at the same time. I move the coffee pot under the sink and turn it on as I approach the kitchen with the steamer’s bottle. Just after I enter the kitchen, I use the pot now holding water to fill the coffee maker’s water basin and slide the once again empty pot back into place. I throw the steamer bottle ahead of me under the running sink then catch up to it and grab it once more with my actual hand. Flicking the coffee maker on, I let the bottle fill. I hear a door open, distracting me. Is Will actually already awake? A moment later, I can tell this isn’t the case. Whoever it is, it certainly doesn’t feel like Will as she enters the main room. One of Will’s guests, then. Thank goodness I’m mostly ready and nothing’s currently floating in the air. I shut off the sink and start walking back to the steamer with its water container.

As I enter the main room, she sees me walking through my apartment in my underwear. “Hey, you must be Will’s roommate. I’m Lily.”

I continue to walk towards the steamer. Wait, right, politeness is important. “Morning. Name’s Jon. Sorry about the pantsless, I wasn’t expecting guests, much less anyone else to be awake this early,” I reply. I try to make that last bit feel like a joke, but I’m not entirely sure I succeed. I blame my half-asleepiness, and not just an inherent lack of good comedic timing, though Will might disagree.

“No problem,” Lily responds to my apology. “By the way, can I get a cup of that coffee, or are you planning on just taking the pot.”

I chuckle as I kneel down to put the bottle back into the base of the steamer. “Both. Make sure there’s at least half the pot left for me, but feel free to have some once it’s done brewing. She’s turned away from me, heading towards the kitchen, so screwing the bottle in place as I move away, I plug the steamer into the wall. I turn it on. Will walks into my senses. “God damn it, Jonny, put some fucking pants on,” he shouts with a grin.

“What you think I’m working on?” I shoot back as I return to the steamer. I wait for him to get a bit closer and ask, “So, this Lily going to be a regular here, or…” I trail off.

“What do you,” he begins, then gets my drift. “Ew, gross. Mind out the gutter, she’s my cousin. Sort of.”

“Wait,” Lily feels the need to interject, “Who’s mind’s in the gutter?”

“How’s someone sort of a cousin?” I press Will as I begin to steam out my pants.

Lily answers instead. “My aunt’s his stepmom. Anyways, I’m in town for a bit and figured I’d stop in and say hi.”

“So how long am I going to have to deal with someone else who wakes up at an ungodly hour?”

“It was after seven, that’s just a normal time to get up in the adult world,” Lily insists, “And only a week or so, why?”

I sigh. Will answers for me. “Let’s just say Jonny wakes up more efficiently alone and leave it at that.” Then, turning to me, he adds, “If you want we can move the coffee stuff into your closet while she’s here.”

I think for a moment as I flick off the steamer. “Not worth risking her needing her fix and walking in on me,” I reply, “I’ll just prep the pot at night and deal with an even worse sleep schedule.” I remove my newly unwrinkled slacks from the hanger.

“Risk walking in on you doing what?” Lily asks me, “Does your roommate do things I shouldn’t watch in the morning?”

“Ew, Lily, that’s Jon we’re talking about,” Will shoots at his cousin while I start putting the slacks on.

Lily watches me dress intently. I can feel the eyes on me. And Will knows it. “No judgment, just curiosity,” she adds.

“Sorry, Will,” I say with a grin, “I didn’t realize you were the least horny member of your family. I take back so much of the shit I’ve talked this year.”

“What about last year?” he asks.

I shake my head as I pull on my belt. “Nah, I stand by every word of that.” I start to instinctively open up the cabinet, then stop myself. We have guests. The cabinet naked a soft clicking as it shuts after being opened microscopically.

“What was that?” Lily asks, turning around. Will gives me a look.

I shrug as I head towards the kitchen. “Ghosts,” I say with a straight face. I walk right past Will’s cousin to the cabinet, open it, grab my large travel mug, and turn around. “Now if you could politely move so I could get my coffee and get out of y’alls hair, that’d be great.” I start walking towards the pot.

Lily quickly walks back into the main area and starts whispering with Will. I can’t hear what they’re saying, only feel that they’re both talking. I’m guessing it’s about me. I fill my travel mug to the brim, and return the pot to the warming plate. I screw the top on, head into the main room. Picking up my backpack, which I have taken to leaving hanging on the coat rack, I ask, “Will, you mind taking care of the steamer? I want to get to the classroom early so I’ve got time to get used to the feel of the space before my presentation.”

“Sure, man,” Will replies, “This evening no party, but the three of us should probably have a sit-down and talk some rules for the apartment this week.”

I smile. “I knew she had a problem with me wandering around in my underwear,” I joke.

Lily laughs. “Who says it was me with the problem?”

I shake my head and smile as I head to the front door. Putting on my shoes, I take a deep breath. In and out. I open the door. The outside floods in. It’s slightly less overwhelming than yesterday. So many things are everywhere moving slightly. Letting the feeling wash over me, I step outside and shut the door to the apartment behind me. Time to head to campus.

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